Speaking up differently

I’ve always loved a good political debate/discussion about anything related to society, social change, human rights etc.

In the last year or so though, as I’ve worked with more and more women on speaking up and being seen and heard in the world, I’ve consciously cultivated a sense of refinement around how I show up and use my voice.

It’s far toooo easy to get caught up in debates with people you don’t know in a manner that won’t change anyone’s minds but will in fact, further entrench them in their views. (I speak from years of personal experience both on and offline…) It’s also easy to assume a moral righteousness about your viewpoint when in truth, if you dig deeply into your motivations, you either just want to be right, or your motivation is really to win the intellectual sparing match you’ve entered.

So for some time now I’ve worked toward setting a higher standard for myself with regard to my communication. It must be conscious, it must be considered, it must be compassionate, and it must be in pursuit of connection.

This isn’t the same kind of conversation as the one I see many in the spiritual and personal development world pursue. The, ‘We’re all one, peace out sister, don’t talk about anything too negative, it’s all about your vibe’ kind of conversation. That, to me, feels way too much like spiritual bypass.

No, I mean the kind of conversation that can be difficult, that can involve heightened emotion, that’s straightforward and clean speaking, but which is also couched in compassion. In trying to connect. The kind of conversation that looks like reaching out a hand or making room on the bench on which you’re seated and offering the invitation, ‘Would you sit with me for a while? Let’s try and understand each other better.’

That approach feels like a far better use of my time. It feels like it might progress the evolution of humanity rather than contribute to its further disintegration.

And of course, many many times — so many more than in the past — I now just walk away. I turn off my phone or close my laptop. I choose not to engage.

The world doesn’t need every single one of us contributing to every single conversation. We don’t need to express our opinions about every event or situation. Sometimes we can say, ‘Not my lane. I’ll sit this one out and create space for people who’ve thought deeply about this, or who have experience in this area. They’re the ones who are appropriate to lead this conversation.’

And then we can choose to listen. Really listen. And maybe, after much listening, words will come to you. Different words. New words. Words that would not have been spoken before. Words that emerge from stillness and quiet contemplation are very different to words that emerge from a place of competing with the cacophony of social media discourse.

And after speaking from that place I might also think of even more effective ways to contribute to the issues. Sometimes that will look like making a financial contribution to an NGO, or seeking out the voices already speaking up on a topic and finding ways to raise up their voices, rather than choosing to raise my own.

Speaking up matters. It always matters. And it’s a gift we often squander. It’s only when we begin to understand its true value that we can move toward real discernment. Toward more refined communication and toward genuine connection.